We will see....

So update: the water is back on for the moment. Trust in the Lord. Now the kids father just has to come up with $300 by Friday.  Supposedly some of his friends are going to loan him the money.   We will see.

The kids father is actually working at this new Job.  And he came home today saying he got a promotion??? to Assistant Manager.  Interesting.... Remember I don't trust anything he says....   We will see...

So I've just about hit rock bottom.  I missed my appointment with my Therapist today just because I couldn't get dressed.  The nightmares continue and today I woke up feeling anxious, jittery, and paranoid. The paranoia is new and I don't like it!!!  I just curled in a ball on the couch.  I hope this isn't an everyday thing...
We will see...

But then I lucked out and got a random phone call from Mr. Perfect who I haven't talked to on the phone since before Christmas.  His voice is so calming like a warm hug.  It chased all the monsters away for a while.  We had a nice conversation I forgot how much I love his laugh. Unfortunately, I can't talk to him often because I have very limited minutes.  But he said he is trying to get his other phone turned back on so he can send it to me. It will have unlimited everything.  So we can talk all the time and video chat.  Plus he talked about other things he is working on but again my trust issues... Sooo We will see....

I called an attorney regarding filing for Disability and their response was to call them after I've been seeing a psychiatrist for three months.  Mind you my first appointment isn't until March.  Typical.....  So I don't know where we will go with that.  But still no income....

I have to go to DHS and apply for a hardship I guess but I'll be honest I have realized I have a deep fear of anyone that can say no or give me bad news or be disappointed in me or take away any of my hope .... (is there any left?)  I get extreme anxiety about talking to anyone or dealing with anything even making phone calls.  I like the safety of my couch and my blanket and my bear.  But even that is being threatened.  Where can I find a safe place????

Then my big brother send me a msg he is trying to kill himself AGAIN. I told him I love him. I let him know he's not alone. And tried to encourage him, but I don't have anything left to give.  I hope that he doesn't seriously hurt himself but there is no more I can do.  He just kept telling me that he is tired and is ready to go....  WHO ISN'T TIRED??? I understand his pain and trust me I get it.  I just hope there is someone else who can stop him.

Oh and I wasn't even going to mention this but I said I was going to be brutally honest.  The kids father came home from work yesterday and was sweet enough to bring me a sandwich.  So I eat the sandwich then he turns to me with a big smile on his face and says so what do I get in return for the sandwich? Are you kidding me???? I know he thought he was being cute but I wanted to take his head off.  I don't think I have ever been so disrespected in my whole life. Oh wait except the time 20 yrs ago when my friends Boyfriend told me if I needed a ride home he needed a Blow Job. He also just so happened to be my Boyfriends best friend at the time.  I punched him in the mouth.

But honestly if I'm not dealing with enough crap that made me feel like shit.   I don't know I'm just scared of everything.  And My mind wont give me any peace.

 And then some how he came home with weed today... SMH!

Omg Now I have to check the card to see if he got the pin number again WTF!