So here we are another Hump day. I'm still on the couch. With no motivation wondering when the tides will turn. I know sitting on this couch wont change anything but I cant get up. I know there are things I should be doing but can't make myself do them. Its a good thing I have an appointment tomorrow.
Its kinda like drowning all the chaos and fear makes it hard to know which way is up. I got a random text from the Best Friend yesterday (I think??) just a thank you. I was confused for a while until I realized he was talking about the Random msgs that I was sending him all weekend to let him know he wasn't alone and that I love him. I was on suicide watch again over the weekend but he wasn't responding. I actually called him on Friday to check on him and he picked up but didn't want to talk which was fine, He had promised me to stay safe and that was enough. To be honest I'm not sure that I would have been much help if he had needed more.
Oddly enough I understand his thoughts and feelings.
My problem is I am always thinking about all the bs and problems and it weighs me down like a physical weight so that I can't function. Nothing makes me happy because my mind is trained to expect the worst so the crash and burn isn't so bad.... My mind races so I can't focus, can't sleep, and I'm completely indecisive.
Oh I'm angry at everybody and everything and some times i don't even know why. N i just want to choke the shit out of them or just wish I wouldn't wake up so I don't have to deal with it any more.....
I'm sliding down that slope really fast. Feeling like no one really gives a shit about me.... blah blah.
Oh and nightmares... yup check and then I wake up with that crazy feeling and I cant shake it.
These are all the same things he is dealing with. Only difference is some times his mind shuts off and he cant remember anything. I'm sure its a natural defense. N it actually sounds better then not being able to clear your head of all the bs. I guess its scary for him. I have my faith and my kids that keep me from acting on the thoughts unfortunately he has neither.
And again the boys father is lying to me about random stuff he is going out to get high with his friend..... and he tells me he is going to meet up with one friend when its really another...??? I just don't freaking get it Why?? Especially when I just asked u to leave for lying to me....
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