Its really either laugh or cry. I did say I couldn't take any more right..... I guess it's a good thing I started taking my meds again lol. Because even with the meds the Anxiety Has my chest hurting....
Well, tonight I got a knock on the door at about 9pm. It was my landlord asking for money apparently the water is going to be shut off AGAIN. If it happens the city will condemn the property and we will have to leave. The only problem is we have nowhere to go.... and no money.... I just gave him the last of what I had to pay his mortgage to stop foreclosure. Is this a nightmare??? can someone please wake me up!!!
Ok, guess its a good time for a back story. How far should we go back.... Screw it I don't see myself getting any sleep anyway so let's go back to.... 1999
So My oldest son was a year old and my mother had a stroke she ended up having to get her arteries stinted. The same operation that killed my father in 89. She got scared and wanted to move 300 miles away to be near her family (the one that never gave a shit) anyway long story short I lost my job to move her and I took over the house. In 6 months time they convinced her to sell the house out from under us. Essentially leaving myself, her only child, and my 1 yr old son, her only grandchild, on the street. We spent 6 months bouncing from place to place, sleeping in motels when we could, and in the car when we couldn't. My greatest fear was losing my son to the state. Mind you I was pregnant with my youngest at this time.
That helplessness, that hopelessness, is the scariest thing you can imagine. Having no one to turn to. Still, to this day my greatest fear is going through that again. Thank God the baby was young enough he doesn't remember. It's horrible the Anxiety it causes I can't sleep, I can't eat, I become afraid of everything I just want to hide under my blanket and hope it goes away. It makes my chest hurt, makes me feel nauseous and jittery. My mind races non-stop. My nerves are on edge.
Imagine the worst feeling possible and times it by 10 and u might get close.
Anyway sorry like I said mind racing so I hope this is somewhat coherent. So we ended up moving here so my mom could help us get off the street. At that time the kid's dad worked 3 jobs to save up enough to get us off the street. Unfortunately, as soon as we got an apartment the brakes went in the car and his main job was 45 minutes away. The other job transferred him but that didn't last either (truly not his fault that time) In the meantime I had the baby so. We had the Newborn and a 2 yr. old the landlord started acting crazy shutting the heat off in the middle of the winter. I was suffering from postpartum depression I would just sit in the middle of the floor and cry. We got a month behind in our rent and he tried to repo our furniture when I refused to give it to him they called DCYF and filed a bogus report of abuse and neglect. Finally, I got a job and the agency helped us get caught up with our rent but he refused to sign the forms They gave it to me anyway because I worked there. The day after the check came he served us with eviction papers. He said that he needed the apartment for his family. We were lucky enough to find a place right away but then as soon as I gave him the key he refused to give us our security deposit so I was flat broke for the next two weeks and I didn't even have pampers. I really could have killed that guy. He ended up calling the cops who were on our side but there was nothing they could do.
The next landlord ended up being a slum lord and we were in that house 10 years we went through 3 landlords and each one was worse than the one before. That's when I went through all the craziness at my Job and without all the details I became Executive Director and the account was 100,000 in the hole with 15 staff and no way to pay them. So I busted my ass and brought it back but the financial stress at work on top of the financial stress at home was to much my depression spiraled out of control and my doctor put me out on TDI. Consequentially they fired me for not coming to work when they weren't paying me anyway. Trying to juggle everything I got behind. Except for the rent. But would you believe the landlord wasn't paying the mortgage anyway and the bank foreclosed on the house. Even after the bank sent us a letter he still showed up to collect the rent. SMH! Again we had to move. This time the bank was paying us to move. We contemplated moving home but because of our God Daughter we decided to stay.
Which brings us to this apartment. The place was small but we were running out of time. It was convenient. everything was fine the first two years we were here but I was Unemployed and that doesn't last forever. I was looking for work but it's not easy as everyone knows. We got in a financial bind and I got a little behind because I was only paying partial rent. But I straightened it out when I started working. That Job lasted a little over a year. I missed a lot of work because I was having Health issues. I ended up getting laid off right before Christmas. Then went in for surgery and come to find out it was cancer. I've been a mess ever since. For a long time every day, I thought about my Grandma, my uncle, my aunt that all died from cancer and my best friend was fighting it too. They said I was fine it was a small tumor and I wouldn't need follow up but that scares me even more because the never did any test to see if it was anywhere else. Mentally I've just been on a downhill slide. And it has been one thing after another ever since. I was on top of the rent until September a few late payments but it was paid. Then the money started to run out I emptied my 401k. Then the gas leak and broken oven in August The water got shut off in August for 3 days. We have been dealing with mice since we moved in. It's one excuse after another why it's not being taken care of. Every month its the water, but nothing about fixing my stove or getting rid of the mice that have destroyed 3 living room sets and everything else you can think of. Mind you my oldest son has asthma. So you can imagine that the largest number of his attacks are right here at home. As I lay here listening to the mice try to steal the trash can in the kitchen.
Oh and to add insult to injury lol after he left tonight the toilet almost overflowed on me. AHHHHHHHH! There is definitely some irony in that.
I feel like the whole world is crushing me. I'm scared and I don't feel safe I never know what is going to happen next. I'm worried about my kids. They have their grades to worry about they shouldn't have to stress over this stuff. Would u believe I just had a nightmare about this crap last night.... I hope the rest of it doesn't come true... I'm kinda feeling like Job.
No comments:
Post a Comment