Lost

So I am taking my meds again. I call them my happy pills because the help me to not give a crap lol.  I went to see my therapist today which was great I always feel a little better when I leave her office.  I think its because how I feel makes sense to her.  Which is ironic because it doesn't make sense to me most of the time. Probably because I've been told a million times I need to suck it up everyone has problems. N my inability to do anything is blamed on me being lazy.  So much so that I think it to some times.

So its been a really rough few days my friend went in for her surgery today it was 6 hours but they think they got all the cancer they took out 41 nodules (I knew it was worse then she was letting on) but she is doing well and everyone is praying for her. So my heart is a little lighter tonight.

My other friend is still in ICU and they may have to innovate her because her co2 levels aren't getting any better.

N my Best friend has been MIA all week so I'm a little worried

It doesn't help that It is now my mothers Birthday she has been gone 8 years. I have been trying not to think about it.  I don't know why this year all my losses have been bothering me so much usually death  doesn't make me emotional.

And then to put the icing on the cake one of my fb friends randomly posted a pic of my Best Friend that drowned two days before my birthday in 1990 (less that a year after I lost my dad) They were the 2 most amazing men I've ever known. so it brought up a lot of old loss that I've never really dealt with.   Some how I think that those losses have a lot to do with my issues with men. (back story for another time)

I'm thinking that because I'm feeling so alone all the losses and people that I care about being sick is taking its toll on me.

I'm really at the point I cant take anymore. I'm feeling Useless and Helpless and Hopeless. And I don't know what to do

But on a side note..... Mr. Perfect just brought me back the snow globe and covered everything with glitter!  Its so great I'm easily distracted by sparkly things. I might get a good night sleep after all.