So I guess the best place to begin is right now and then we will flash back to how we got here at another time. I will let you know before we even get started this is to help me deal with my negative thoughts and feelings, my mental, emotional, and physical pain and depression. I intend to be brutally honest for my own benefit, but I'm sure at times it will not be absolute Truth because It may be tainted by my feelings and opinions.
So I am a 37 year old mother of 2 teenage boys, I have been with their father for about 18 years. I am a recent cancer survivor. I have been unemployed for 2 years.... and actually 4 of the last 5 years. I have been in the human service field since 2000. I am currently in Therapy for my Anxiety and Severe Recurrent Depression with Homicidal and Suicidal Idealization.
My current situation in order of importance in my mind......
I am cancer free.
Other then allergies and asthma my children are physically healthy.
We currently have a warm home and plenty of food.
I am currently unemployed receiving very little income that is scheduled to end the end of the month. I have no savings or resources as they have run out. I have no support system to speak of. As of this moment I am 4 months behind in rent, two of the months from the last time I was unemployed. 6 months behind on all of my utilities and facing shut-off.
I have not had car insurance in over a year. My car tax is past due. My inspection is up the end of next month. The car needs over $1200 in repairs.
We r running out of clean clothes. I currently have about $100 worth of laundry to do.
Our apartment is over run with mice. They are destroying everything.
We have not had a working oven since August. Trying to keep the family fed with two small burners and a microwave.
The house is cluttered and frankly disgusting from the mice. We attempt to keep it clean but it is way to small for us with no real storage. And we cant put things where they belong because the mice will get into it.... There are holes in the walls and ceilings from the mice. And just yesterday I caught them building a nest in my underwear drawer..... needless to say they are now shredding our clothes for nesting material.....
My relationship has been a nightmare as long as I can remember. I am currently talking to my ex. (more details later) Until August my children's father spend the majority of his time smoking weed and playing video games. I have been the sole provider. He suffers from multiple mental health issues that until a few months ago he refused to acknowledge. He steals money from me. He is a compulsive lier. He has been very mentally abusive to myself and the boys. I told him about finding my ex in March and asked him to leave in July after a failed attempt at marriage counseling. He was gone for 2 weeks and begged to come home to attend a culinary class that would help him get a job. It has been one day at a time since then my heart is else where. He has graduated and is working very part time. And looking for a second job but is still not bringing any money into the house, he is still smoking pot.
Other things that I am dealing with:
My 6 yr old God Daughters Mother, my dear friend is 27 years old and struggling with cancer for the second time. About to undergo double lung surgery in a couple weeks. She has 4 children my God daughter is the oldest.
My best friend of 24 years who is more like my big brother has always struggled with mental health issues he has tried to kill himself more times then I even know. He is currently off his meds and homeless. He is 300 miles away so there is nothing I can really do. I spent all of last week worrying that he was going to freeze to death. I asked friends who are in closer range to help him and they gave one lame excuse after another. Which has caused me to feel some kind of way about them. All these years I've been wanting to get home to my "real family" and I find out that it was an illusion that I created.
Most of my blood relatives live with in 15 minutes of my house and since my mother died in 2005 have not bothered to want to be in my life. But that's not what bothers me that fact that they don't bother with my kids bothers me more. There fathers family doesn't acknowledge them either.
Than to top it off the love of my life, my Mr. Perfect, My Prince Charming is also 300 miles away. He is the only guy I ever dated that had his shit together. No drugs, hard worker, kind, and caring. He wants to be here, He wants to take care of me and my boys.....but we've had our fights too over the last year because he is pissed that I am still living with my kids father. And the situation I've been in makes it difficult to trust men.......
I guess that is enough for now......
