So update: the water is back on for the moment. Trust in the Lord. Now the kids father just has to come up with $300 by Friday. Supposedly some of his friends are going to loan him the money. We will see.
The kids father is actually working at this new Job. And he came home today saying he got a promotion??? to Assistant Manager. Interesting.... Remember I don't trust anything he says.... We will see...
So I've just about hit rock bottom. I missed my appointment with my Therapist today just because I couldn't get dressed. The nightmares continue and today I woke up feeling anxious, jittery, and paranoid. The paranoia is new and I don't like it!!! I just curled in a ball on the couch. I hope this isn't an everyday thing...
We will see...
But then I lucked out and got a random phone call from Mr. Perfect who I haven't talked to on the phone since before Christmas. His voice is so calming like a warm hug. It chased all the monsters away for a while. We had a nice conversation I forgot how much I love his laugh. Unfortunately, I can't talk to him often because I have very limited minutes. But he said he is trying to get his other phone turned back on so he can send it to me. It will have unlimited everything. So we can talk all the time and video chat. Plus he talked about other things he is working on but again my trust issues... Sooo We will see....
I called an attorney regarding filing for Disability and their response was to call them after I've been seeing a psychiatrist for three months. Mind you my first appointment isn't until March. Typical..... So I don't know where we will go with that. But still no income....
I have to go to DHS and apply for a hardship I guess but I'll be honest I have realized I have a deep fear of anyone that can say no or give me bad news or be disappointed in me or take away any of my hope .... (is there any left?) I get extreme anxiety about talking to anyone or dealing with anything even making phone calls. I like the safety of my couch and my blanket and my bear. But even that is being threatened. Where can I find a safe place????
Then my big brother send me a msg he is trying to kill himself AGAIN. I told him I love him. I let him know he's not alone. And tried to encourage him, but I don't have anything left to give. I hope that he doesn't seriously hurt himself but there is no more I can do. He just kept telling me that he is tired and is ready to go.... WHO ISN'T TIRED??? I understand his pain and trust me I get it. I just hope there is someone else who can stop him.
Oh and I wasn't even going to mention this but I said I was going to be brutally honest. The kids father came home from work yesterday and was sweet enough to bring me a sandwich. So I eat the sandwich then he turns to me with a big smile on his face and says so what do I get in return for the sandwich? Are you kidding me???? I know he thought he was being cute but I wanted to take his head off. I don't think I have ever been so disrespected in my whole life. Oh wait except the time 20 yrs ago when my friends Boyfriend told me if I needed a ride home he needed a Blow Job. He also just so happened to be my Boyfriends best friend at the time. I punched him in the mouth.
But honestly if I'm not dealing with enough crap that made me feel like shit. I don't know I'm just scared of everything. And My mind wont give me any peace.
And then some how he came home with weed today... SMH!
Omg Now I have to check the card to see if he got the pin number again WTF!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
I had to ask didn't I
Wow ok Ive cracked lol I should be a blubbering mess but I cant. The meds must be working.
So they did come shut the water off and the landlord said they told him if the bill isnt paid in 48 hours that the city will be informed and they will come make everyone leave.
Then my sister/best friend of 30 years informs me she may have cancer.... This is my Godsons mother....
So lets recap...
Best Friend/Big Brother: Homeless and Suicidal
Best Friend/God Daughters Mother: In ICU Fighting Cancer
Best Friend/Nephews Mom: In ICU Blood Clots in her Lungs
Best Friend/Godsons Mother: May have cancer
Unemployed, Broke (no income), Car's messed up, All my bills are behind w/shut-off notices, No water, no oven, mice, and Now we may be homeless in 2 days.
Can someone just kill me and end this misery??? LMAO!!!
N there is no one here for me........
Im facing it all alonnnnnne..........
while the kid's father runs off to smoke with his friends............
and the kids argue over petty shit..........
And I can't cook or clean anything....
Can't focus.... Can't think... Can't stop thinking.... forgetting stuff.... start to do something and forget what I'm doing.
I'm losing my mind....
Patiently waiting for my blessing.....
Wanting to crawl under my blanket until it all goes away.......
In desperate need of my snow globe what if I lived there permanently????
So they did come shut the water off and the landlord said they told him if the bill isnt paid in 48 hours that the city will be informed and they will come make everyone leave.
Then my sister/best friend of 30 years informs me she may have cancer.... This is my Godsons mother....
So lets recap...
Best Friend/Big Brother: Homeless and Suicidal
Best Friend/God Daughters Mother: In ICU Fighting Cancer
Best Friend/Nephews Mom: In ICU Blood Clots in her Lungs
Best Friend/Godsons Mother: May have cancer
Unemployed, Broke (no income), Car's messed up, All my bills are behind w/shut-off notices, No water, no oven, mice, and Now we may be homeless in 2 days.
Can someone just kill me and end this misery??? LMAO!!!
N there is no one here for me........
Im facing it all alonnnnnne..........
while the kid's father runs off to smoke with his friends............
and the kids argue over petty shit..........
And I can't cook or clean anything....
Can't focus.... Can't think... Can't stop thinking.... forgetting stuff.... start to do something and forget what I'm doing.
I'm losing my mind....
Patiently waiting for my blessing.....
Wanting to crawl under my blanket until it all goes away.......
In desperate need of my snow globe what if I lived there permanently????
How deep does the Rabbit hole go?
Its really either laugh or cry. I did say I couldn't take any more right..... I guess it's a good thing I started taking my meds again lol. Because even with the meds the Anxiety Has my chest hurting....
Well, tonight I got a knock on the door at about 9pm. It was my landlord asking for money apparently the water is going to be shut off AGAIN. If it happens the city will condemn the property and we will have to leave. The only problem is we have nowhere to go.... and no money.... I just gave him the last of what I had to pay his mortgage to stop foreclosure. Is this a nightmare??? can someone please wake me up!!!
Ok, guess its a good time for a back story. How far should we go back.... Screw it I don't see myself getting any sleep anyway so let's go back to.... 1999
So My oldest son was a year old and my mother had a stroke she ended up having to get her arteries stinted. The same operation that killed my father in 89. She got scared and wanted to move 300 miles away to be near her family (the one that never gave a shit) anyway long story short I lost my job to move her and I took over the house. In 6 months time they convinced her to sell the house out from under us. Essentially leaving myself, her only child, and my 1 yr old son, her only grandchild, on the street. We spent 6 months bouncing from place to place, sleeping in motels when we could, and in the car when we couldn't. My greatest fear was losing my son to the state. Mind you I was pregnant with my youngest at this time.
That helplessness, that hopelessness, is the scariest thing you can imagine. Having no one to turn to. Still, to this day my greatest fear is going through that again. Thank God the baby was young enough he doesn't remember. It's horrible the Anxiety it causes I can't sleep, I can't eat, I become afraid of everything I just want to hide under my blanket and hope it goes away. It makes my chest hurt, makes me feel nauseous and jittery. My mind races non-stop. My nerves are on edge.
Imagine the worst feeling possible and times it by 10 and u might get close.
Anyway sorry like I said mind racing so I hope this is somewhat coherent. So we ended up moving here so my mom could help us get off the street. At that time the kid's dad worked 3 jobs to save up enough to get us off the street. Unfortunately, as soon as we got an apartment the brakes went in the car and his main job was 45 minutes away. The other job transferred him but that didn't last either (truly not his fault that time) In the meantime I had the baby so. We had the Newborn and a 2 yr. old the landlord started acting crazy shutting the heat off in the middle of the winter. I was suffering from postpartum depression I would just sit in the middle of the floor and cry. We got a month behind in our rent and he tried to repo our furniture when I refused to give it to him they called DCYF and filed a bogus report of abuse and neglect. Finally, I got a job and the agency helped us get caught up with our rent but he refused to sign the forms They gave it to me anyway because I worked there. The day after the check came he served us with eviction papers. He said that he needed the apartment for his family. We were lucky enough to find a place right away but then as soon as I gave him the key he refused to give us our security deposit so I was flat broke for the next two weeks and I didn't even have pampers. I really could have killed that guy. He ended up calling the cops who were on our side but there was nothing they could do.
The next landlord ended up being a slum lord and we were in that house 10 years we went through 3 landlords and each one was worse than the one before. That's when I went through all the craziness at my Job and without all the details I became Executive Director and the account was 100,000 in the hole with 15 staff and no way to pay them. So I busted my ass and brought it back but the financial stress at work on top of the financial stress at home was to much my depression spiraled out of control and my doctor put me out on TDI. Consequentially they fired me for not coming to work when they weren't paying me anyway. Trying to juggle everything I got behind. Except for the rent. But would you believe the landlord wasn't paying the mortgage anyway and the bank foreclosed on the house. Even after the bank sent us a letter he still showed up to collect the rent. SMH! Again we had to move. This time the bank was paying us to move. We contemplated moving home but because of our God Daughter we decided to stay.
Which brings us to this apartment. The place was small but we were running out of time. It was convenient. everything was fine the first two years we were here but I was Unemployed and that doesn't last forever. I was looking for work but it's not easy as everyone knows. We got in a financial bind and I got a little behind because I was only paying partial rent. But I straightened it out when I started working. That Job lasted a little over a year. I missed a lot of work because I was having Health issues. I ended up getting laid off right before Christmas. Then went in for surgery and come to find out it was cancer. I've been a mess ever since. For a long time every day, I thought about my Grandma, my uncle, my aunt that all died from cancer and my best friend was fighting it too. They said I was fine it was a small tumor and I wouldn't need follow up but that scares me even more because the never did any test to see if it was anywhere else. Mentally I've just been on a downhill slide. And it has been one thing after another ever since. I was on top of the rent until September a few late payments but it was paid. Then the money started to run out I emptied my 401k. Then the gas leak and broken oven in August The water got shut off in August for 3 days. We have been dealing with mice since we moved in. It's one excuse after another why it's not being taken care of. Every month its the water, but nothing about fixing my stove or getting rid of the mice that have destroyed 3 living room sets and everything else you can think of. Mind you my oldest son has asthma. So you can imagine that the largest number of his attacks are right here at home. As I lay here listening to the mice try to steal the trash can in the kitchen.
Oh and to add insult to injury lol after he left tonight the toilet almost overflowed on me. AHHHHHHHH! There is definitely some irony in that.
I feel like the whole world is crushing me. I'm scared and I don't feel safe I never know what is going to happen next. I'm worried about my kids. They have their grades to worry about they shouldn't have to stress over this stuff. Would u believe I just had a nightmare about this crap last night.... I hope the rest of it doesn't come true... I'm kinda feeling like Job.
Well, tonight I got a knock on the door at about 9pm. It was my landlord asking for money apparently the water is going to be shut off AGAIN. If it happens the city will condemn the property and we will have to leave. The only problem is we have nowhere to go.... and no money.... I just gave him the last of what I had to pay his mortgage to stop foreclosure. Is this a nightmare??? can someone please wake me up!!!
Ok, guess its a good time for a back story. How far should we go back.... Screw it I don't see myself getting any sleep anyway so let's go back to.... 1999
So My oldest son was a year old and my mother had a stroke she ended up having to get her arteries stinted. The same operation that killed my father in 89. She got scared and wanted to move 300 miles away to be near her family (the one that never gave a shit) anyway long story short I lost my job to move her and I took over the house. In 6 months time they convinced her to sell the house out from under us. Essentially leaving myself, her only child, and my 1 yr old son, her only grandchild, on the street. We spent 6 months bouncing from place to place, sleeping in motels when we could, and in the car when we couldn't. My greatest fear was losing my son to the state. Mind you I was pregnant with my youngest at this time.
That helplessness, that hopelessness, is the scariest thing you can imagine. Having no one to turn to. Still, to this day my greatest fear is going through that again. Thank God the baby was young enough he doesn't remember. It's horrible the Anxiety it causes I can't sleep, I can't eat, I become afraid of everything I just want to hide under my blanket and hope it goes away. It makes my chest hurt, makes me feel nauseous and jittery. My mind races non-stop. My nerves are on edge.
Imagine the worst feeling possible and times it by 10 and u might get close.
Anyway sorry like I said mind racing so I hope this is somewhat coherent. So we ended up moving here so my mom could help us get off the street. At that time the kid's dad worked 3 jobs to save up enough to get us off the street. Unfortunately, as soon as we got an apartment the brakes went in the car and his main job was 45 minutes away. The other job transferred him but that didn't last either (truly not his fault that time) In the meantime I had the baby so. We had the Newborn and a 2 yr. old the landlord started acting crazy shutting the heat off in the middle of the winter. I was suffering from postpartum depression I would just sit in the middle of the floor and cry. We got a month behind in our rent and he tried to repo our furniture when I refused to give it to him they called DCYF and filed a bogus report of abuse and neglect. Finally, I got a job and the agency helped us get caught up with our rent but he refused to sign the forms They gave it to me anyway because I worked there. The day after the check came he served us with eviction papers. He said that he needed the apartment for his family. We were lucky enough to find a place right away but then as soon as I gave him the key he refused to give us our security deposit so I was flat broke for the next two weeks and I didn't even have pampers. I really could have killed that guy. He ended up calling the cops who were on our side but there was nothing they could do.
The next landlord ended up being a slum lord and we were in that house 10 years we went through 3 landlords and each one was worse than the one before. That's when I went through all the craziness at my Job and without all the details I became Executive Director and the account was 100,000 in the hole with 15 staff and no way to pay them. So I busted my ass and brought it back but the financial stress at work on top of the financial stress at home was to much my depression spiraled out of control and my doctor put me out on TDI. Consequentially they fired me for not coming to work when they weren't paying me anyway. Trying to juggle everything I got behind. Except for the rent. But would you believe the landlord wasn't paying the mortgage anyway and the bank foreclosed on the house. Even after the bank sent us a letter he still showed up to collect the rent. SMH! Again we had to move. This time the bank was paying us to move. We contemplated moving home but because of our God Daughter we decided to stay.
Which brings us to this apartment. The place was small but we were running out of time. It was convenient. everything was fine the first two years we were here but I was Unemployed and that doesn't last forever. I was looking for work but it's not easy as everyone knows. We got in a financial bind and I got a little behind because I was only paying partial rent. But I straightened it out when I started working. That Job lasted a little over a year. I missed a lot of work because I was having Health issues. I ended up getting laid off right before Christmas. Then went in for surgery and come to find out it was cancer. I've been a mess ever since. For a long time every day, I thought about my Grandma, my uncle, my aunt that all died from cancer and my best friend was fighting it too. They said I was fine it was a small tumor and I wouldn't need follow up but that scares me even more because the never did any test to see if it was anywhere else. Mentally I've just been on a downhill slide. And it has been one thing after another ever since. I was on top of the rent until September a few late payments but it was paid. Then the money started to run out I emptied my 401k. Then the gas leak and broken oven in August The water got shut off in August for 3 days. We have been dealing with mice since we moved in. It's one excuse after another why it's not being taken care of. Every month its the water, but nothing about fixing my stove or getting rid of the mice that have destroyed 3 living room sets and everything else you can think of. Mind you my oldest son has asthma. So you can imagine that the largest number of his attacks are right here at home. As I lay here listening to the mice try to steal the trash can in the kitchen.
Oh and to add insult to injury lol after he left tonight the toilet almost overflowed on me. AHHHHHHHH! There is definitely some irony in that.
I feel like the whole world is crushing me. I'm scared and I don't feel safe I never know what is going to happen next. I'm worried about my kids. They have their grades to worry about they shouldn't have to stress over this stuff. Would u believe I just had a nightmare about this crap last night.... I hope the rest of it doesn't come true... I'm kinda feeling like Job.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Lost
So I am taking my meds again. I call them my happy pills because the help me to not give a crap lol. I went to see my therapist today which was great I always feel a little better when I leave her office. I think its because how I feel makes sense to her. Which is ironic because it doesn't make sense to me most of the time. Probably because I've been told a million times I need to suck it up everyone has problems. N my inability to do anything is blamed on me being lazy. So much so that I think it to some times.
So its been a really rough few days my friend went in for her surgery today it was 6 hours but they think they got all the cancer they took out 41 nodules (I knew it was worse then she was letting on) but she is doing well and everyone is praying for her. So my heart is a little lighter tonight.
My other friend is still in ICU and they may have to innovate her because her co2 levels aren't getting any better.
N my Best friend has been MIA all week so I'm a little worried
It doesn't help that It is now my mothers Birthday she has been gone 8 years. I have been trying not to think about it. I don't know why this year all my losses have been bothering me so much usually death doesn't make me emotional.
And then to put the icing on the cake one of my fb friends randomly posted a pic of my Best Friend that drowned two days before my birthday in 1990 (less that a year after I lost my dad) They were the 2 most amazing men I've ever known. so it brought up a lot of old loss that I've never really dealt with. Some how I think that those losses have a lot to do with my issues with men. (back story for another time)
I'm thinking that because I'm feeling so alone all the losses and people that I care about being sick is taking its toll on me.
I'm really at the point I cant take anymore. I'm feeling Useless and Helpless and Hopeless. And I don't know what to do
But on a side note..... Mr. Perfect just brought me back the snow globe and covered everything with glitter! Its so great I'm easily distracted by sparkly things. I might get a good night sleep after all.
So its been a really rough few days my friend went in for her surgery today it was 6 hours but they think they got all the cancer they took out 41 nodules (I knew it was worse then she was letting on) but she is doing well and everyone is praying for her. So my heart is a little lighter tonight.
My other friend is still in ICU and they may have to innovate her because her co2 levels aren't getting any better.
N my Best friend has been MIA all week so I'm a little worried
It doesn't help that It is now my mothers Birthday she has been gone 8 years. I have been trying not to think about it. I don't know why this year all my losses have been bothering me so much usually death doesn't make me emotional.
And then to put the icing on the cake one of my fb friends randomly posted a pic of my Best Friend that drowned two days before my birthday in 1990 (less that a year after I lost my dad) They were the 2 most amazing men I've ever known. so it brought up a lot of old loss that I've never really dealt with. Some how I think that those losses have a lot to do with my issues with men. (back story for another time)
I'm thinking that because I'm feeling so alone all the losses and people that I care about being sick is taking its toll on me.
I'm really at the point I cant take anymore. I'm feeling Useless and Helpless and Hopeless. And I don't know what to do
But on a side note..... Mr. Perfect just brought me back the snow globe and covered everything with glitter! Its so great I'm easily distracted by sparkly things. I might get a good night sleep after all.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Snow Days
So here we are another Hump day. I'm still on the couch. With no motivation wondering when the tides will turn. I know sitting on this couch wont change anything but I cant get up. I know there are things I should be doing but can't make myself do them. Its a good thing I have an appointment tomorrow.
Its kinda like drowning all the chaos and fear makes it hard to know which way is up. I got a random text from the Best Friend yesterday (I think??) just a thank you. I was confused for a while until I realized he was talking about the Random msgs that I was sending him all weekend to let him know he wasn't alone and that I love him. I was on suicide watch again over the weekend but he wasn't responding. I actually called him on Friday to check on him and he picked up but didn't want to talk which was fine, He had promised me to stay safe and that was enough. To be honest I'm not sure that I would have been much help if he had needed more.
Oddly enough I understand his thoughts and feelings.
My problem is I am always thinking about all the bs and problems and it weighs me down like a physical weight so that I can't function. Nothing makes me happy because my mind is trained to expect the worst so the crash and burn isn't so bad.... My mind races so I can't focus, can't sleep, and I'm completely indecisive.
Oh I'm angry at everybody and everything and some times i don't even know why. N i just want to choke the shit out of them or just wish I wouldn't wake up so I don't have to deal with it any more.....
I'm sliding down that slope really fast. Feeling like no one really gives a shit about me.... blah blah.
Oh and nightmares... yup check and then I wake up with that crazy feeling and I cant shake it.
These are all the same things he is dealing with. Only difference is some times his mind shuts off and he cant remember anything. I'm sure its a natural defense. N it actually sounds better then not being able to clear your head of all the bs. I guess its scary for him. I have my faith and my kids that keep me from acting on the thoughts unfortunately he has neither.
And again the boys father is lying to me about random stuff he is going out to get high with his friend..... and he tells me he is going to meet up with one friend when its really another...??? I just don't freaking get it Why?? Especially when I just asked u to leave for lying to me....
Its kinda like drowning all the chaos and fear makes it hard to know which way is up. I got a random text from the Best Friend yesterday (I think??) just a thank you. I was confused for a while until I realized he was talking about the Random msgs that I was sending him all weekend to let him know he wasn't alone and that I love him. I was on suicide watch again over the weekend but he wasn't responding. I actually called him on Friday to check on him and he picked up but didn't want to talk which was fine, He had promised me to stay safe and that was enough. To be honest I'm not sure that I would have been much help if he had needed more.
Oddly enough I understand his thoughts and feelings.
My problem is I am always thinking about all the bs and problems and it weighs me down like a physical weight so that I can't function. Nothing makes me happy because my mind is trained to expect the worst so the crash and burn isn't so bad.... My mind races so I can't focus, can't sleep, and I'm completely indecisive.
Oh I'm angry at everybody and everything and some times i don't even know why. N i just want to choke the shit out of them or just wish I wouldn't wake up so I don't have to deal with it any more.....
I'm sliding down that slope really fast. Feeling like no one really gives a shit about me.... blah blah.
Oh and nightmares... yup check and then I wake up with that crazy feeling and I cant shake it.
These are all the same things he is dealing with. Only difference is some times his mind shuts off and he cant remember anything. I'm sure its a natural defense. N it actually sounds better then not being able to clear your head of all the bs. I guess its scary for him. I have my faith and my kids that keep me from acting on the thoughts unfortunately he has neither.
And again the boys father is lying to me about random stuff he is going out to get high with his friend..... and he tells me he is going to meet up with one friend when its really another...??? I just don't freaking get it Why?? Especially when I just asked u to leave for lying to me....
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Follow your intuition
Well let me start by saying I always believe the worst for a REASON. So u may have read my previous post regarding my sons father..... SMH! I'm not sure when I will learn to go with my gut.
I came across some proof today that the Boys Dad has not been working for some time. Suprize Suprize! I'm not sure how long its been but I suspect its been since Christmas. He has actually been getting dressed three days a week in his uniform and going God knows where. He has been lying to everyone. Crash n burn!!! That means there is no income coming in at all. Sick or not I'm going to have to go find a job..... I can do this anymore 18 years of lies. To many chances..... Then there is a bunch of other shit that I don't even care about. The fact that I found out where he was Friday when he didn't come home. He was at a friends house that he is not suppose to be with because of issues from the past. And it just so happens that two of the girls he has been trying to get with were there. I may play dumb but I'm not a fool. He is talking to half a dozen girls and trying to convince me that we should work things out. Ummm sorry I checked out emotionally a long time ago. He has dug this hole for himself, I'm running out of excuses. (I make excuses for him all the time)
So when he got home today I tried to give him a chance to come clean and he refused to even talk about it so I told him he needs to leave. Of course he just ignores me. Then after time to think up a story he tries to feed me a line of bullshit. Supposedly he had a job interview today and starts a new job on Thursday..... The funny shit is he had a job interview a week ago that he blew off. When the hell are you going to grow up and be responsible?? I give up. I want him gone he has had enough time...
So lets flash back to the summer time The end of July I caught him trying to hook up with some local girls on FB and then he pulled the disappearing act and was out all night same place same girls. I really wanted to put all his shit outside but I let it slide because we had family coming to visit that we hadn't seen in a long time. Oh n FYI he is very predictable so I figured that he would at the last minute right before they left say he was going with them to visit his mom. Mind you my Godson had come to spend a couple weeks with us. I called him on his bs before they got here just so he knew I was aware.
Side note we had been in Marriage counseling for about 3 months and were suppose to be working on things. I committed to it even though I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. Because the only reason that he even agreed to it was because he knew Mr. Perfect was back in the picture and I chose Mr. Perfect over him once before. (back story for another time)
So the day they were planning to leave about an hour before they were scheduled to go he dropped it on me that he was going with them. So I nicely told him to take his things with him. When he didn't get it I told him flat out that he had proved that he didn't care about working on our relationship. That even with the crap he pulled he knew we needed to talk about it but was just selfishly going to do whatever he wanted so I didn't want him to come back. He made it to easy.
We've been through this so many times he of course didn't believe me. So he only took a couple outfits. But I meant it. I was done. I didn't talk to him for days then he contacted me trying to lay some crap on me that he shouldn't have gone his family was treating him like crap that he realized his only family was here blah blah. I stayed strong and told him he made his choice. Mind you he left knowing that he was suppose to start a class the first week of August.
At the same time I had sent word to Mr. Perfect that he was gone and I wanted to know where he stood and if he was serious about wanting to be with me.... he did not respond for some time then I got notice in my news feed that he had added to his fb page that he was in a relationship with the "girlfriend". So I took that as my answer and I let him know that I wished him the best and that I hoped we could at least remain friends. That got his attention and he threw a bitch fit said he didn't do it that she hacked his page blah blah. I told him that I needed to take some time to work on me. And I cut him off, I refuse to play #2 been down that road before. (more back story)
The kids father begged me to let him come back just so he could start this class that would help him get on his feet and he would find some place to stay. I finally agreed but that lead to more arguments and he finally agreed to just come get his things. But then someone in his family turned him in he had 13 year old warrants for a Traffic Violation in one state and a body attachment for back child support in the other. He got picked up an the traffic violation and if they had extradited him they would have put him under the jail. I thought about how that would effect my boys and I panicked. I also have this crazy protection thing with him that I don't understand. I guess I feel bad for him because of all the crap he has been through. But he also knows this and uses it.
During this time Mr. Perfect continued to bug out but I stayed my distance. He kept saying I know your going to let him come back, please don't do that.... He was ringing the phone off the hook but I didn't answer it because I was feeling betrayed.
So when the kids father was released OR His cousin rushed him home. When he got back he threw the whole pity party that I was his only family he had no where to go.... so I again agreed to let him stay here on a day to day bases. Then he started his class and was committed. It was kind of shocking.
Mr. Perfect refused to talk to me once he found out I let him back in the house. Even after I explained the situation. That there was no relationship involved. So the next couple months were interesting every conversation we had was an argument.
And the kids dad was trying so hard it made me want to vomit. There were times when I would get a spark of hope that he was really changing but then he would do something to remind me why I didn't want to be with him anymore.
I was finally able to convince Mr. Perfect that things were different now and until recently things were going great. The whole no time for me thing. I finally sent him a message last night that the constant begging for his attention was making me feel horrible and that for my own sanity I was going to stop stalking him. (by the way he loves that I stalk him smh) At first he assumed that I was planning on trying to work things out with this guy. But I explained to him that his lack of attentiveness was leaving me feeling lonely. He apologized and promised to be more available.
that brings us back to the present.... Now I have to figure out where to go from here. I know he is just going to ignore me I'm not sure how I'm going to get him to leave but I cant let him stay or he will always think its ok to lie to me and I cant live like that.
So in addition to this and all the other chaos I told you about the last few days. I am in excruciating pain. Its a little scary with what everyone else is dealing with but I believe it is kidney stones again... Wonderful right just what I need on top of everything else. I'm exhausted and I cant sleep because I cant get comfortable.... If it doesn't get better soon I'm going to end up in the hospital with everyone else....
I came across some proof today that the Boys Dad has not been working for some time. Suprize Suprize! I'm not sure how long its been but I suspect its been since Christmas. He has actually been getting dressed three days a week in his uniform and going God knows where. He has been lying to everyone. Crash n burn!!! That means there is no income coming in at all. Sick or not I'm going to have to go find a job..... I can do this anymore 18 years of lies. To many chances..... Then there is a bunch of other shit that I don't even care about. The fact that I found out where he was Friday when he didn't come home. He was at a friends house that he is not suppose to be with because of issues from the past. And it just so happens that two of the girls he has been trying to get with were there. I may play dumb but I'm not a fool. He is talking to half a dozen girls and trying to convince me that we should work things out. Ummm sorry I checked out emotionally a long time ago. He has dug this hole for himself, I'm running out of excuses. (I make excuses for him all the time)
So when he got home today I tried to give him a chance to come clean and he refused to even talk about it so I told him he needs to leave. Of course he just ignores me. Then after time to think up a story he tries to feed me a line of bullshit. Supposedly he had a job interview today and starts a new job on Thursday..... The funny shit is he had a job interview a week ago that he blew off. When the hell are you going to grow up and be responsible?? I give up. I want him gone he has had enough time...
So lets flash back to the summer time The end of July I caught him trying to hook up with some local girls on FB and then he pulled the disappearing act and was out all night same place same girls. I really wanted to put all his shit outside but I let it slide because we had family coming to visit that we hadn't seen in a long time. Oh n FYI he is very predictable so I figured that he would at the last minute right before they left say he was going with them to visit his mom. Mind you my Godson had come to spend a couple weeks with us. I called him on his bs before they got here just so he knew I was aware.
Side note we had been in Marriage counseling for about 3 months and were suppose to be working on things. I committed to it even though I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. Because the only reason that he even agreed to it was because he knew Mr. Perfect was back in the picture and I chose Mr. Perfect over him once before. (back story for another time)
So the day they were planning to leave about an hour before they were scheduled to go he dropped it on me that he was going with them. So I nicely told him to take his things with him. When he didn't get it I told him flat out that he had proved that he didn't care about working on our relationship. That even with the crap he pulled he knew we needed to talk about it but was just selfishly going to do whatever he wanted so I didn't want him to come back. He made it to easy.
We've been through this so many times he of course didn't believe me. So he only took a couple outfits. But I meant it. I was done. I didn't talk to him for days then he contacted me trying to lay some crap on me that he shouldn't have gone his family was treating him like crap that he realized his only family was here blah blah. I stayed strong and told him he made his choice. Mind you he left knowing that he was suppose to start a class the first week of August.
At the same time I had sent word to Mr. Perfect that he was gone and I wanted to know where he stood and if he was serious about wanting to be with me.... he did not respond for some time then I got notice in my news feed that he had added to his fb page that he was in a relationship with the "girlfriend". So I took that as my answer and I let him know that I wished him the best and that I hoped we could at least remain friends. That got his attention and he threw a bitch fit said he didn't do it that she hacked his page blah blah. I told him that I needed to take some time to work on me. And I cut him off, I refuse to play #2 been down that road before. (more back story)
The kids father begged me to let him come back just so he could start this class that would help him get on his feet and he would find some place to stay. I finally agreed but that lead to more arguments and he finally agreed to just come get his things. But then someone in his family turned him in he had 13 year old warrants for a Traffic Violation in one state and a body attachment for back child support in the other. He got picked up an the traffic violation and if they had extradited him they would have put him under the jail. I thought about how that would effect my boys and I panicked. I also have this crazy protection thing with him that I don't understand. I guess I feel bad for him because of all the crap he has been through. But he also knows this and uses it.
During this time Mr. Perfect continued to bug out but I stayed my distance. He kept saying I know your going to let him come back, please don't do that.... He was ringing the phone off the hook but I didn't answer it because I was feeling betrayed.
So when the kids father was released OR His cousin rushed him home. When he got back he threw the whole pity party that I was his only family he had no where to go.... so I again agreed to let him stay here on a day to day bases. Then he started his class and was committed. It was kind of shocking.
Mr. Perfect refused to talk to me once he found out I let him back in the house. Even after I explained the situation. That there was no relationship involved. So the next couple months were interesting every conversation we had was an argument.
And the kids dad was trying so hard it made me want to vomit. There were times when I would get a spark of hope that he was really changing but then he would do something to remind me why I didn't want to be with him anymore.
I was finally able to convince Mr. Perfect that things were different now and until recently things were going great. The whole no time for me thing. I finally sent him a message last night that the constant begging for his attention was making me feel horrible and that for my own sanity I was going to stop stalking him. (by the way he loves that I stalk him smh) At first he assumed that I was planning on trying to work things out with this guy. But I explained to him that his lack of attentiveness was leaving me feeling lonely. He apologized and promised to be more available.
that brings us back to the present.... Now I have to figure out where to go from here. I know he is just going to ignore me I'm not sure how I'm going to get him to leave but I cant let him stay or he will always think its ok to lie to me and I cant live like that.
So in addition to this and all the other chaos I told you about the last few days. I am in excruciating pain. Its a little scary with what everyone else is dealing with but I believe it is kidney stones again... Wonderful right just what I need on top of everything else. I'm exhausted and I cant sleep because I cant get comfortable.... If it doesn't get better soon I'm going to end up in the hospital with everyone else....
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Welcome to Sunday
It is the start of a brand new week.
I had a bad dream and I woke up feeling angry at the world, because I feel alone, I'm mad at my "friends" for not being there. I'm mad at my mom for leaving me alone in the world. I'm mad at my family for not wanting to be a part of my life and not being there for my children. I'm mad at my children's father for not being the man I need him to be. I'm mad at Mr. Perfect for not being here. I am mad at myself for needing others and feeling like its some how my fault that I'm not good enough or worthy. I am mad at myself for feeling that I only reach out to people when I need something. I'm mad that my life is not what I want it to be and I don't have the courage to make it happen.
Then a childhood friend that I haven't seen in years tells me she wishes I was closer because she misses her friend. She has no idea what that meant to me.
I have to consider how blessed I am. So many of the people around me are so much worse off then I am. Dealing with addiction, serious health issues, don't have their children in there lives, or are homeless. I may not be where I want to be but I am blessed right where I am.
So on that note I'm kicking myself in the butt so I can get this crib done!!!
I had a bad dream and I woke up feeling angry at the world, because I feel alone, I'm mad at my "friends" for not being there. I'm mad at my mom for leaving me alone in the world. I'm mad at my family for not wanting to be a part of my life and not being there for my children. I'm mad at my children's father for not being the man I need him to be. I'm mad at Mr. Perfect for not being here. I am mad at myself for needing others and feeling like its some how my fault that I'm not good enough or worthy. I am mad at myself for feeling that I only reach out to people when I need something. I'm mad that my life is not what I want it to be and I don't have the courage to make it happen.
Then a childhood friend that I haven't seen in years tells me she wishes I was closer because she misses her friend. She has no idea what that meant to me.
I have to consider how blessed I am. So many of the people around me are so much worse off then I am. Dealing with addiction, serious health issues, don't have their children in there lives, or are homeless. I may not be where I want to be but I am blessed right where I am.
So on that note I'm kicking myself in the butt so I can get this crib done!!!
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